Juliana Writes...

Living with the best of intentions

Thursday, April 7, 2016

April Goals Bring May Results

I always realize it’s a new month a little late.  It sneaks up on me, one glance at the calendar and I do a double-take – is it really April?!  But what about March?  Where did it go?  What did I do?

March was an emotional doozy.  Right now I find myself in such an interesting phase of life; I’m 7 months away from turning 30 and let me tell you, it’s been fucking with me.  Sorry, that was a necessary f-bomb.

I was never someone who dreaded turning 30; I’ve actually looked forward to it.  It seems that your 30s are when you really come into who you’re supposed to be, which I think is so exciting – what I didn’t take into consideration is the transition process.  What started out feeling like a milestone suddenly began to feel like a deadline, bringing all kinds of anxiety bubbling to the surface.  What about all the things I wanted to do before having kids?  What about my career?  What have I been doing for 10 years?! 

My friend Mike explained it best.  He said it’s a time when you inevitably become excessively self-critical; the key is to let it happen in a constructive way so that you don’t get lost in the murky swampland of coulda-woulda-shoulda.  This means reflecting on the pieces of yourself that are no longer (or maybe never were) serving you, and committing to moving forward rather than loathing the decisions you’ve made or qualities that might have held you back…which is largely what I was doing for a solid week or two. 

Focusing on all of those negatives caused a string of bad days and breakdowns, which were largely fueled by the fact that I wasn’t talking to anyone about it.  I create this problem frequently.  For some reason I think that internalizing and attempting to handle every emotional mountain solo is the way to go – I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to burden other people or I think I’m superwoman or I just feel silly about how anxious I am (that’s a lie, I do know and it’s all three) but I can say with confidence that clamming up is the last thing I, or anyone, should be doing.   

As soon as I got vocal I received a tidal wave of empathy and advice from people who have either been there or are currently experiencing the exact same struggle; the support was overwhelming.  I started to change the way I was accepting the thoughts and various emotions coming my way, rather than harping on myself for being weak it has become an exercise in finding the silver linings and solutions (a lot of deep breathing and reminding myself that the past is the past and having deep conversations with the dog…he’s astonishingly intuitive).

I am working daily on accepting the bad habits that hinder me so that I can work harder to overcome them, I’m constantly communicating with my friends and family about each day’s highs and lows.  I might be driving them crazy, but if I am they haven’t shown it; how can I feel so unsteady when I have such an unyielding support network?  I guess that’s all part of the transition.  In May the 6-month countdown begins and I’m starting to feel excited about turning 30 again, excited and motivated. 

Deadlines don’t have to be looming shadow monsters on the horizon, they can be power-charged and exhilarating, Popeye’s can of spinach that lets him move mountains.  I choose the latter.  Somebody get me a pipe and a cute little sailor hat ASAP.

April Goals

  • ·      Keep a structured work schedule, stick to it.
  • ·      Make one meal a week that I’ve never made before
  • ·      Try one new cuisine (never got to that one in March!)
  • ·      Finish 2 books
  • ·      Workout 3 days a week with James and 1 or 2 days on my own
  • ·      Pull the trigger on the apartment garden
  • ·      Write for 1 hour everyday
  • ·      Wake up early, plan social life accordingly
  • ·      Eat out 2x a week MAXIMUM
  • ·      Win big at the grocery store Monopoly game.  Realistic goals are my forte.
  • ·      Work hard everyday to create the life I want to live and person I want to be

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